Worse than the Bates Hotel

We once had an insurance agent that had an office in La Jolla who invited Daisy and me to meet him half-way at an athletic club in Sorrento Valley, in NW San Diego one Saturday afternoon for a game of racquetball.  We came dressed to play and carried along clothes and shoes suitable for dining at a nice restaurant, afterwards.  

The club was quiet and we played long and hard for an hour, or so and then going to the front desk to get towels for our showers, we were advised that the facility’s water heater had gone down and it would be a couple of hours until hot water would be available.  We were all soaked with perspiration, so we had little choice but to “take a cold shower.”  That didn’t pose much of a challenge for me and the other two gentlemen with whom we had been playing and we went in and confronted the 40 degree water, jumping in and out, soaping and rinsing, etc., until we were dressed and ready to go.  

We went back to the front desk to check out and apparently Daisy hadn’t been quite as aggressive as we were and was just now getting into the shower.  Suddenly, a horror movie quality scream emerged from the women’s locker room.  A few seconds passed and then another.  For five long minutes everyone in the club listened to what sounded like a woman being tortured, as Daisy showered and washed her hair in the near freezing water, screaming at the top of her lungs every time she entered the water.  

When she was dressed and coiffed, she came out with a big smile and said, “That was the coldest water I’ve ever showered in; I hope no one heard me scream; I was holding it down as much as I could.”

Several years ago one of my former employees, who had gone in business for himself, asked to “borrow” one of my teenage sons to help him on a plumbing job for a couple of days.  It was arranged that they would meet at a local wholesale plumbing supply house and my son would leave his car there and drive one of my former employee’s trucks to the job. 

They soon found themselves in heavy traffic, which thinned out substantially as they accessed the freeway, a good distance from each other.  Joe, my former employee, saw his truck up ahead in one of the passing lanes and sped up to get in front of it, so my son could follow him to the job.  The faster Joe went, the faster the truck ahead went, until at about 80 miles an hour Joe screamed into the two-way radio with which he had equipped his trucks:

”Goddamn it, Lucky, SLOW DOWN…you’re going over 80 miles an hour.”

There was a brief silence and then Lucky replied:

“How can I slow down, you dumb bastard, I’m BEHIND YOU!”

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You found what?

Many years ago I was sent out to an older house that had a main line sewer back-up.  The house had been built in the 1930s and the sewer had never before backed up.  In those days (late 1960s) many plumbers were still using 6’ sewer rods that required coupling as they were pushed down the sewer.  

About 40’ down the drain I encountered a blockage I couldn’t get through and after grinding on it for a couple of hours, I pulled the rods out, measured the length and then commenced to dig down to the mainline, which was 5’ deep.  It was early evening by now and several neighbors had gathered to observe what I was doing and when I found the pipe, I took a cold chisel and cut out a section of 4” cast iron pipe.  I removed the section of pipe, turned it vertical and out dropped 2 (apparently) brand new 12” lag bolts.  I could not think of a way those bolts could have been there.  

The crowd were all scratching their heads, trying to come up with something when I finally said:  “Well, I’ll tell you one thing…someone in this house sure has an unusual diet!”

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Lucky pulls up to a house in La Jolla a few years ago and the owner walks out with his little “yap” dog and meets Lucky halfway to the house.  Before Lucky can introduce himself, the dog runs, jumps up and bites Lucky on the butt.  

“Hey,” Lucky says, “your dog just bit me.”

“Yeah,” the man says, “keep an eye on him, he’ll probably try and bite you again.”

Lucky looks at the guy for a moment and then says, “You know, usually when a dog bites me, I kick the shit out of the dog.  Whenever a dog bites me twice…I kick the shit out of the owner.”

Without a trace of response, the guy says, “I think I’ll just take him to his kennel and lock him up."

Abel and the Brain

Abel is called to a job where the temperature and pressure relief valve is releasing water during the night.  He does a pressure check and a test for thermal expansion and Indeed the system is being affected by thermal expansion.  

So Abel patiently explains to the gentleman how thermal expansion works and what causes it and how to rectify it.  The gentleman doesn’t quite “get it” and Abel explains it again, in simpler terms and still the man can’t follow it.  

“Look,” Abel says, “It’s not brain surgery…” and then he stops because the guy is really showing growing irritation.  “Did I say something wrong?” asks Abel.  

“I AM a brain surgeon!” the man says and then stomps into the house and sends his wife out to talk with him.

When the plumbers are away...

What do the girls in the office do when all the plumbers are out until late in the day and the facilities are down?

Turning the tables

Years ago, when the stock market was booming, stock brokers used to call with hot stock tips.  After awhile, they became such a nuisance that I began to try and counter their advances by trying to sell them plumbing.  Most of them were from La Jolla, so they were actually in an area that we service. 

“Where are you calling from?” I would query.  

“La Jolla, CA,” they would reply.  

“Let me ask you something,” I would continue, “do you have hot water in the building where you work?” 

"Well, yes," they would say, at which point I would advise them that they were probably going to be in the market for a new water heater at some point and then I would begin giving them details of everything that might be encountered should that indeed become the case.  The more they would try and interrupt me and try to get back on the subject of whatever stock plan they were hawking, the more detailed and uninterruptable I would become until finally, exasperated, they would hang up.  

I’d been doing that for several months when one solicitor, listening to my initial spiel, paused for a long moment and said:  “Hey…I remember you!”